I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell. - Stephen Colbert
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. - Stephen Colbert
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) - Stephen Colbert
I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist. - Stephen Colbert
So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop liberating moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything. - Stephen Colbert
Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is. - Stephen Colbert
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. - Stephen Colbert
it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. - Stephen Colbert
Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90. - Stephen Colbert
Equations are the devil's sentences. - Stephen Colbert
As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read. - Stephen Colbert
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. - Stephen Colbert
We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well known liberal bias. - Stephen Colbert
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday -- no matter what happened Tuesday. - Stephen Colbert
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. - Stephen Colbert
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. - Stephen Colbert
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way. - Stephen Colbert
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. - Stephen Colbert
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority. - Stephen Colbert
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ - Stephen Colbert
I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave. - Stephen Colbert
I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations. - Stephen Colbert
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. - Stephen Colbert
There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. - Stephen Colbert
In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. - Stephen Colbert
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. - Stephen Colbert
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED). - Stephen Colbert
Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy. - Stephen Colbert
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it. - Stephen Colbert